From The Biz of Life:
Q: What is Socialism? A: It’s the painful transition from capitalism to capitalism
Q: What exactly constitutes a developed socialist society? A: The triumph of ideology over common sense.
Q: How does supply and demand work in socialism? A: You buy what is available and persuade yourself you need it.
Q: What is the difference between socialism and capitalism? A: Capitalism makes social mistakes while socialism makes capital mistakes.
Q: Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first socialists? A: Perhaps. Adam and Eve dressed very humbly, had a modest desire for food, and didn’t dwell in their own home. But above all, they believed they lived in paradise.
Q: Will there be any theft after we reach the communist stage of development? A: Yes, but only if there is anything left to be stolen after socialism.
Q: Is there a difference between a “representative republic” and a “popular democracy?” A: Yes, it’s the same difference between a jacket and a straitjacket.
Q: What should I do if I’m at a bar and some stranger sits down beside me and starts sighing heavily? A: Tell him to cool it with the anti-socialist propaganda.
Q: Are there any measures in the new five year plan to improve the food of the people? A: More cookbooks will be printed.
Q: Why is our supply of meat so irregular and unpredictable? A: We are advancing towards communism so fast that even the cattle can’t keep up anymore.
Q: After the communist party took power, my life is no longer dear. Do you know of any sure way of committing suicide? A: Throwing yourself into the chasm between the party leaders and the people.
Q: Is it true that cats are very sneaky creatures? A: Sometimes. In bad times they try to pass themselves off as rabbit meat.
Q: Can you say anything that comes into your mind here in our country? A: Yes, of course. Unless you are thinking those kinds of thoughts that shouldn’t be said freely and publicly.
Q: How can anyone know if they are talking to an aware and rational citizen or an ignorant one? A: The rational citizen frequently checks behind him to see if anyone is there.
Q: Are there still going to be idiots under Communism? A: No. Even those who believed in communism once upon a time will no longer be idiots.
Q: What did Socialists use for light before candles? A: Light bulbs.